Part I: Conflict Awareness
Belief Cycle
Each of us has core values, beliefs, and attitudes about conflict based on early life experiences that affect how we perceive the world and other people. Many of our behaviours in conflict are based on these perceptions and are often automatic, regardless of their effectiveness.
Nate Booth’s (1997, p.49) belief cycle below demonstrates how core values, beliefs, and attitudes lead to focus and meaning in conflict, which then leads to emotions, actions and results.
In conflict, as in other times of stress, beliefs are powerful because they set in process a certain cycle:
- Our beliefs focus our attention on certain “events” in our world.
- We give meaning to these events, turning them into triggers.
- The triggers cause a physiological response, which is sensed as emotion.
- Based on the emotion, we take action.
- The actions we take result in a response from others.
- This response reinforces our original belief.
Belief Cycle Examples
The following examples of values, beliefs, and attitudes about conflict demonstrate how the belief cycle would play out in each conflict situation.
Beliefs, values, attitudes – Conflict is wrong. I shouldn’t be negative.
Actions/responses – Pretend nothing is wrong.
Results/consequences – Tension and cool distance between parties. Something is wrong in the relationship.
Beliefs, values, attitudes – Conflict means loss. I have to get my way.
Actions/responses – Argue your point until the other caves in or walks away.
Results/consequences – Conflict escalates, relationships are damaged, and outcomes are in jeopardy. Conflict is loss.
Beliefs, values, attitudes – Conflict means our relationship is in jeopardy.
Actions/responses – Let other people have their way so we can get along.
Results/consequences – Buried resentment. Conflict has put our relationship in jeopardy.
Beliefs, values, attitudes – Working out conflicts takes too much time and energy.
Actions/responses – Look for the quickest available solution.
Results/consequences – Conflict is fixed temporarily, but comes up repeatedly, taking more time and energy.
Beliefs, values, attitudes – Conflict is a normal part of being human.
Actions/responses – Say what you need to say and listen to the other side.
Results/consequences – Conflict is normalized and resolved.
When caught in a negative belief cycle, one needs to change either one’s belief or one’s behaviour in order to get a different result, and thus break the cycle.
Conflict Development
Many people have negative attitudes toward conflict, and try to avoid it. Some perceive conflict and change as threatening, and try to resist it. For some, peace and harmony are held up as ideals. This desire for peace and harmony often symbolizes a desire for others to hold the same values, interests, and needs as ours. Paradoxically, this kind of thinking often generates conflict, since it doesn’t allow for the many real differences in needs and interests among individuals, systems, and cultures.
The desire for life to remain the same is unrealistic. Life is not static. Everything changes and develops—the seasons, our minds and bodies, our circumstances and our nature. Attempting to keep change from occurring creates its own dynamics for conflict. Phases of conflict are as natural as phases of peace and harmony, and all are temporary states.
Many theories of conflict are based on cycles of change that demonstrate how conflicts emerge and resolve. As Barbara Coloroso states, “Conflict is a normal, natural and necessary part of our lives. Conflict is inevitable in our homes, schools, workplaces, and communities, and so is the pain and discomfort that goes along with it. But conflict can be resolved and made less painful if it is dealt with directly, curatively, responsibly, and non-violently—not passively or aggressively”. (Coloroso, 2002, p.100)
Conflict can actually strengthen ongoing relationships. The true test of the parties’ investment and dedication to a relationship with each other can never be tested until it goes through some kind of challenge, or conflict. If you and I go through a conflict together successfully, we know we can trust that our relationship is strong enough to withstand conflict. Because we can “do” conflict together, it is not as scary or threatening when it occurs, as it will in every relationship periodically.
Thinking of conflict in this way, we could actually weaken and deprive our relationship of being strengthened by avoiding, placating or overbearing others to “win” when conflict arises.
The Evolution of Conflict Development