Part III: Collaborative Competencies
Clarifying Assumptions
While it is difficult to avoid making assumptions, it is possible to be aware of assumptions and to learn how to clarify them so that they do not contribute to conflict. Checking perceptions and clarifying assumptions can:
- Reduce misunderstanding and negative perceptions.
- Eliminate some aspects of the conflict.
- Uncover commonalities.
- Create more favourable understandings.
- De-escalate conflict and promote both emotional and substantive resolution.
The following diagram illustrates the formation of perceptions and assumptions:
We tend to assume that our private intentions are understood through our public actions. We also tend to assume that we know the private intentions of others through the effect of their public action on us. In other words, if person B experiences hurt as a result of person A’s action, B will tend to assume that A’s intention was to hurt. However, person A’s private intentions could have been quite different.
Without clarification, the effect provokes an action that has yet another effect, and the process spirals.
In order to clarify an assumption, private information needs to be made public. Clarifying assumptions involves communication skills such as empathic listening, open questions, ‘I’ language, and descriptive language.
You can clarify an assumption by:
- Describing the effect of the other person’s action on you (‘I’ language, description of event, words, behaviour).
- Asking the other person for his or her interpretation of events (open question).
- Asking about the other person’s intention (open question).
- Clarifying your intentions (‘I’ language).
An example: Checking out an assumption
Harriet laughs at a comment Bill makes in a staff meeting. Bill’s intentions are serious, although Harriet doesn’t know this. He is impacted by Harriet’s laughter by feeling humiliated. Based on this feeling, Bill assumes that Harriet thinks he is stupid. His resentment causes him to retaliate against Harriet by making cutting remarks at her expense. Harriet, not knowing why Bill is suddenly making cutting remarks, is offended, and thinks Bill is trying to discredit her. Harriet starts avoiding Bill, and so on.
A conflict has developed around this set of perceptions, assumptions, and reactions. Either person could clarify the assumptions at play in many ways, and resolve the growing conflict:
- Bill could ask Harriet what made her laugh.
- Bill could tell Harriet how he felt when she laughed.
- Harriet could look for signs that Bill has reacted negatively to her laughter and ask about it.
- Harriet could explain why she found his remark funny.
- Harriet could tell Bill she is offended by the remarks and ask why he is doing it.
- Bill could ask Harriet why she is avoiding him.
Exercise: Building self-awareness
Think about an assumption you made in a conflict situation. Using the information on clarifying assumptions, describe the impact you think you had on the other person. How could you have dealt differently with the assumption(s) you were making?