The ‘inner work’ of conflict resolution includes exploring and questioning one’s attitudes, beliefs, values, perceptions, and feelings about the conflict.

Changing one’s perspective and attitude is not always easy. However, adopting collaborative conflict resolution approaches will change behaviours and, over time, will lead to increased awareness, new experiences and better outcomes. This will reinforce a shift in attitude towards conflict.

Shifting one’s conflict awareness ‑ being present with our experience and recognizing how our thinking patterns influence our behaviour‑ is a necessary first step.

It is all too easy to judge our thoughts and emotions, to see them as wrong or right, bad or good. But in a psychological sense, there is nothing really wrong that we feel or think. Actions can be wrong, but not thoughts or feelings. As inner scientists, we simply treat even the darker thoughts and emotions as interesting research material. I find a simple but powerful question to keep asking myself is: “Isn’t that curious?” The question creates distance and opens the way to inquiry rather than judgement. (Ury, 2015, p.25)

Awareness and Reflection

Awareness is a state of becoming conscious about something — being aware of what you think, feel, sense, expect, assume, and your reactions to the world around you. Before attempting to understand others, it is important to increase self-awareness.

A conflict arises when parties recognize that differences between them are causing problems, tension, or negative feelings. This may be experienced as tension, distance, defensiveness, as an argument, or one party may bring conflict to the other’s attention.

In a conflict it is useful to be aware of:

• Verbal and non-verbal cues.
• Perceptions, feelings, values, beliefs, fears, concerns, assumptions, and expectations, with regard to the conflict and the other person.
• Your own defensiveness, position taking, put-downs, ‘triggering’ or reactions that work against conflict resolution goals.
• The possible existence of a more primary, underlying conflict behind a particular dispute.
• Values, beliefs, attitudes, and what you believe you need in the situation.
• The moment when tension is de-escalating and feelings of friendliness or warmth are developing.

With awareness comes a sense of readiness to resolve the conflict with the other party. Readiness may involve checking or shifting your thoughts and attitudes, mustering emotional courage, taking time to think or calm down, thinking about your goals in the conflict interaction, or orienting yourself away from a defensive or negative frame of mind towards a resolution or goal frame of mind.

This internal processing of the conflict occurs during self-reflection. It can occur after the conflict is resolved or in the pauses during a conflict resolution process. Reflection is generally easier when you are away from direct interaction with the other person. Reflection at any point allows you to absorb all that has gone on and to step back and look at the big picture.

Reflection can help you to:

• Think about your role in the conflict.
• Think about your goals in the conflict.
• Let go of residual bad feelings toward yourself or the other person.
• Analyze how the conflict unfolded and gain understanding about why it unfolded that way.
• Think about any parts of the conflict that may not be resolved, or those that were missed entirely, but may still need to be addressed.
• Increase self-awareness about your conflict tendencies and resolve to act with intention in the future.

Separating internal states

Your awareness of your own internal experience and the internal experience of the other is critical to effective communication when resolving conflict.

(Wackman, Nunnally & Faline, 1982, p.52)