Foundations of Collaborative
Conflict Resolution
Fifteenth Edition
New Westminster, BC
May 2017
Foundations of Collaborative
Conflict Resolution
Fifteenth Edition
New Westminster, BC
May 2017
Foundations of Collaborative Conflict Resolution Copyright © 2017 by Justice Institute of British Columbia, Centre for Conflict Resolution. All Rights Reserved.
© 2017, Justice Institute of British Columbia, Centre for Conflict Resolution
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
For instructional use only for Justice Institute of British Columbia courses unless prior authorization has been obtained from the Centre for Conflict Resolution.
Requests for permission to make copies of any part of this work should be directed to the publisher. Additional copies of the work may be obtained from the publisher:
Centre for Conflict Resolution
Justice Institute of British Columbia
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New Westminster, BC V3L 5T4
Canada
Tel: (604) 528-5608 Fax: (604) 528-5640
www.jibc.ca
| March 1990 | First Edition | October 1996 | Eighth Edition |
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Printed in Canada
National Library of Canada Cataloguing in Publication Data
Main entry under title:
[Conflict resolution (New Westminster, B.C.)]
Conflict resolution. — [1st ed.]-
Irregular.
Includes bibliographical references: p.
ISSN 1705-737X = Conflict resolution – New Westminster, B.C.
1. Conflict management. 2. Interpersonal communication. 3. Conflict management – Problems, exercises, etc. I. Justice Institute of British Columbia. Centre for Conflict Resolution Training.
BF637.I48C66 303.6’9 C96-960305-3
The Centre for Conflict Resolution would like to acknowledge all of the instructors and coaches who have contributed to the development of this course and its companion manual.
Conflict is an inescapable part of our daily lives. In personal relationships or business interactions, each of us has our own perspective, temperament and ways of thinking. We also have needs and concerns we’d like to address. The question is – in conflict situations, how do we work together to address as many of our mutual needs and concerns as possible in a collaborative way?
Conflicts that go unaddressed may keep our relationships from realizing their full potential, or they may become so severe that they do irreparable damage to individuals, families, workplaces, and entire communities. How we deal with these differences can determine the quality of our lives.
Learning how to resolve conflicts effectively is an essential life skill needed by every person and every group regardless of age, social role, profession, or cultural background.
William Ury, in The Third Side, poses the question, “What if fighting, violence, and war were preventable and we simply didn’t know it?”(Ury, 2000, p.xviii). It’s an interesting question.
We cannot eliminate conflict, but we can transform how we approach it. Rather than blaming and judging, a move to more curiosity and openness is a first step in this direction.
The goal of this course is to offer effective and practical knowledge, strategies and tools for approaching the resolution of interpersonal conflicts cooperatively and collaboratively. We believe that:
We all have attitudes and experiences involving conflict. Becoming more aware of these can help us to recognize and deal with conflict more productively. Consider the questions below as part of this process.
We have a view of the world that is based on our experiences and our beliefs about how the world and those within it function in fundamental ways. One’s worldview can also be referred to as one’s personal philosophy of life, or one’s mindset. We are often unaware of the specific beliefs embedded in our worldview, and how much they influence our behaviour.
Based on your current beliefs, answer the questions below.
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How we experience the world around us is filtered through our own unique set of cultural lenses. Examples of these cultural lenses include our ethnicity, gender, religious or spiritual beliefs, socio-economic level, relationship orientation, and association or group membership (i.e. blue-collar worker, lawyer, social worker).
Each of us sees the world through these multiple lenses which bring with them values, customs, norms and expected behaviours. This layering of lenses makes us complex and unique individuals.
Cultures are living, changing systems that influence our interpretations of the past, starting points, and currencies or values. It is therefore inescapable that they also influence our conflicts. Cultures operate out of conscious awareness most of the time, imparting rhythm, melody, and tone to actions. They function as invisible, shared codes, defining “common sense.” The challenge is that everyone is singing a different song, drawing on his or her own unique multicultural makeup. Common sense is not necessarily common. As our identities and ways of making meaning fail to harmonize, we look more closely at conflict. (LeBaron, 2003, pp. 10-11)
In conflict, each person sees the problem through their own cultural lenses which are often unique to the individual. Recognizing that these differences exist is a prerequisite to understanding how they affect our perception and contribute to the conflict.
Each of us has core values, beliefs, and attitudes about conflict based on early life experiences that affect how we perceive the world and other people. Many of our behaviours in conflict are based on these perceptions and are often automatic, regardless of their effectiveness.
Nate Booth’s (1997, p.49) belief cycle below demonstrates how core values, beliefs, and attitudes lead to focus and meaning in conflict, which then leads to emotions, actions and results.
In conflict, as in other times of stress, beliefs are powerful because they set in process a certain cycle:
The following examples of values, beliefs, and attitudes about conflict demonstrate how the belief cycle would play out in each conflict situation.
When caught in a negative belief cycle, one needs to change either one’s belief or one’s behaviour in order to get a different result, and thus break the cycle.
Many people have negative attitudes toward conflict, and try to avoid it. Some perceive conflict and change as threatening, and try to resist it. For some, peace and harmony are held up as ideals. This desire for peace and harmony often symbolizes a desire for others to hold the same values, interests, and needs as ours. Paradoxically, this kind of thinking often generates conflict, since it doesn’t allow for the many real differences in needs and interests among individuals, systems, and cultures.
The desire for life to remain the same is unrealistic. Life is not static. Everything changes and develops—the seasons, our minds and bodies, our circumstances and our nature. Attempting to keep change from occurring creates its own dynamics for conflict. Phases of conflict are as natural as phases of peace and harmony, and all are temporary states.
Many theories of conflict are based on cycles of change that demonstrate how conflicts emerge and resolve. As Barbara Coloroso states, “Conflict is a normal, natural and necessary part of our lives. Conflict is inevitable in our homes, schools, workplaces, and communities, and so is the pain and discomfort that goes along with it. But conflict can be resolved and made less painful if it is dealt with directly, curatively, responsibly, and non-violently—not passively or aggressively”. (Coloroso, 2002, p.100)
Conflict can actually strengthen ongoing relationships. The true test of the parties’ investment and dedication to a relationship with each other can never be tested until it goes through some kind of challenge, or conflict. If you and I go through a conflict together successfully, we know we can trust that our relationship is strong enough to withstand conflict. Because we can “do” conflict together, it is not as scary or threatening when it occurs, as it will in every relationship periodically.
Thinking of conflict in this way, we could actually weaken and deprive our relationship of being strengthened by avoiding, placating or overbearing others to “win” when conflict arises.
The Evolution of Conflict Development
Interpersonal conflict can be defined as:
Differences between at least two interdependent parties who perceive or are experiencing:
What’s at play when we are in conflict?
Below is a variety of alternate definitions of conflict derived from different theoretical perspectives (Cloke, 2001, p. 6 – 8).
Conflicts originate from different sources and contain different qualities. Different conflicts, therefore, may require different approaches, and be more or less difficult to resolve. The following is a list of conflict types and their sources:
Data / communication conflicts
Sources of conflict include misunderstandings, lack of information, assumptions, differences in perspective, misinformation, and ambiguities.
Structural conflicts
Ineffectual processes, time or geographical constraints, inappropriate structure, organizations, social structures and systems.
Relationship conflicts
Stereotypes, distorted perceptions, unmet expectations, fear, use of power, history.
Interest conflicts
Perceived or actual incompatibility of needs and interests, differences in preferences, style, ways of doing things, differences in emotional needs, etc.
Value conflicts
Opposing beliefs, values, philosophies, worldviews, etc.
Our emotional reactions to any of these types of conflict will determine whether possibilities for conflict develop into actual conflict, and the level at which we experience the conflict. For example, a situation may provoke fears about change, loss, or being controlled. The same situation may provoke a belief that rights have been violated. Depending on the situation and our reaction to it, we may perceive the conflict as a communication breakdown, a conflict between values, or both. (Moore, 2003, Ch. 4)
When conflict surfaces, it is influenced by many factors that affect the character, direction, and outcome of the conflict and determine whether the conflict escalates or de-escalates. The following factors should be considered to determine how to best implement a collaborative approach to the conflict:
What is power and how can it be used constructively or destructively?
Power can be defined as the degree to which we are able to advance our own goals and to influence the ability of others to meet their goals in a given conflict.
Power is largely a matter of perception. Power is not something we own. Rather, it is a matter of how we perceive our own power and how others perceive our power. Each person in a conflict approaches the other with an idea of the degree of power each person has. Perceptions of the power relationship may differ and, as a result, the actual power relationship may play out quite differently than expected. If your power source is of no consequence or importance to the other person, it will not be effective.
How does power work in conflict?
Power is at the root of conflict. As soon as the interests, values, or needs of one person impact on another person, conflict emerges and power dynamics come into play. Power can be used constructively or destructively in the attainment of each person’s goals. Constructive uses of power tend toward de-escalation of the conflict. Destructive uses tend toward escalation.
Simple disagreements that escalate into conflicts are often really about power. The actual issue in dispute is minor, although the intensity of the conflict is great. However, since power is something we tend to not talk about explicitly, the focus usually stays on the specific dispute. Until the power conflict is resolved, many other disputes between the parties will contain the same power dynamic.
Power, because it is so subjective, may come from almost any source the parties consider important. The following are some of the many categories from which power can be drawn.
Each of these power sources can be used in cooperative or adversarial ways. In general, the perceived desirability of any of these power sources by disputants will determine whether they result in effective use of power. Increasing the quantity and quality of power sources can increase one’s overall power. Power is rarely, if ever, balanced. Rather, it is a dynamic quality that shifts over the course of a conflict interaction.
If you believe you have more power:
If you believe you have less power:
Conflict can be defined as ‘destructive’ or ‘constructive’ in quality and outcome (Deutsch, 1973; Folger, Poole & Stutman, 2005).
Ways conflict can be approached:
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We tend to subconsciously develop conflict approaches over time. Because our approach proves useful in some circumstances, and can actually be a survival tactic at times, we tend to default to using it without thinking about alternative approaches.
Some approaches to conflict are adversarial while other approaches are cooperative in nature.
If your approach is adversarial, the climate of your engagement with the other may move toward low trust and guardedness, and the other person may move toward defensiveness and rigidity. If your approach is collaborative, the climate may be more inviting and comfortable, and the other person may move toward openness and flexibility.
By becoming more conscious of your own conflict approach, you open the door to learn other ways of engaging in conflict and shift out of unproductive patterns when they don’t serve you. Here are some qualities of adversarial and collaborative conflict styles:
Adversarial
Collaborative
From perceiving conflict as always being …
To perceiving conflict as often being …
(Weeks, 1994, p.8)
There are five basic conflict styles. Each style reflects different attitudes toward conflict and the relationship with the other person. Examining your values about conflict and relationship helps to uncover your dominant style(s).
Although style(s) can change with new awareness and changing circumstances, your dominant style(s) reflects your habitual learned response to conflict. Under pressure, a person’s dominant style tends to surface.
Competing / Directing
This style is most self-focused and is least likely to be received as cooperative. Different modes related to this style vary from very forceful and domineering behaviours to more open and understanding (but still inflexible on outcome).
Avoiding
This style tends to turn away from conflict. Avoidance can be cooperative or adversarial but, as a dominant style, it can lead to unnecessary prolongation and escalation of conflicts. In many conflict situations, it serves neither person’s interests. When differences appear, behaviours can range from outright belligerent unwillingness to resolve conflict to a general ‘smoothing’ style. Short-term avoidance can be used constructively to allow both parties time to reflect on or prepare to address the conflict.
Accommodating / Harmonizing
This style is most focused on the other person and least focused on the self. Accommodating behaviour can be cooperative or adversarial in nature but, as a dominant style, leads to outcomes that favour the other person. Behaviours can range from total capitulation and disinterest in the outcome to ‘giving in’ after some exploration of the conflict.
Compromising
This style is focused on satisfying both parties, with a preference towards the self. It can be cooperative or adversarial, but as a dominant style, will tend toward a ‘split the difference’ solution and a competitive atmosphere. Behaviours range from very closed, positional stances to an approach that is more flexible and shows a willingness to move towards the middle.
Collaborating / Cooperating
This style focuses on satisfying both parties to the greatest degree possible. Behaviours range from making attempts to collaborate, to a committed attempt to continue using collaborative strategies even in challenging situations.
Use of conflict styles
Each conflict style has its appropriate uses, but the appropriateness of a particular style may differ between cultures. Depending on intentions and reactions, different behaviours can be intended and received as either adversarial or cooperative in nature.
Break into five groups. Each group works with the table below on one of the styles. The groups will rotate to give you a chance to comment on each style.
Conflict styles grid – view one
This grid can be used to identify conflict styles. (Scott, 2007, p.27)
Conflict styles grid – view two
Identify key people in your life in the satellite circles and identify the conflict style you most often use with each one (write this on the line).
Conflicts involve relationships, issues, and individuals. The collaborative approach to conflict resolution aims to:
The collaborative approach to conflict resolution will work best when the following conditions exist:
Effective conflict resolution practices start with oneself. This involves:
The ‘inner work’ of conflict resolution includes exploring and questioning one’s attitudes, beliefs, values, perceptions, and feelings about the conflict.
Changing one’s perspective and attitude is not always easy. However, adopting collaborative conflict resolution approaches will change behaviours and, over time, will lead to increased awareness, new experiences and better outcomes. This will reinforce a shift in attitude towards conflict.
Shifting one’s conflict awareness ‑ being present with our experience and recognizing how our thinking patterns influence our behaviour‑ is a necessary first step.
It is all too easy to judge our thoughts and emotions, to see them as wrong or right, bad or good. But in a psychological sense, there is nothing really wrong that we feel or think. Actions can be wrong, but not thoughts or feelings. As inner scientists, we simply treat even the darker thoughts and emotions as interesting research material. I find a simple but powerful question to keep asking myself is: “Isn’t that curious?” The question creates distance and opens the way to inquiry rather than judgement. (Ury, 2015, p.25)
Awareness is a state of becoming conscious about something — being aware of what you think, feel, sense, expect, assume, and your reactions to the world around you. Before attempting to understand others, it is important to increase self-awareness.
A conflict arises when parties recognize that differences between them are causing problems, tension, or negative feelings. This may be experienced as tension, distance, defensiveness, as an argument, or one party may bring conflict to the other’s attention.
In a conflict it is useful to be aware of:
With awareness comes a sense of readiness to resolve the conflict with the other party. Readiness may involve checking or shifting your thoughts and attitudes, mustering emotional courage, taking time to think or calm down, thinking about your goals in the conflict interaction, or orienting yourself away from a defensive or negative frame of mind towards a resolution or goal frame of mind.
This internal processing of the conflict occurs during self-reflection. It can occur after the conflict is resolved or in the pauses during a conflict resolution process. Reflection is generally easier when you are away from direct interaction with the other person. Reflection at any point allows you to absorb all that has gone on and to step back and look at the big picture.
Reflection can help you to:
Separating internal states
Your awareness of your own internal experience and the internal experience of the other is critical to effective communication when resolving conflict.
(Wackman, Nunnally & Faline, 1982, p.52)
In a triad or with a partner, simulate a conflict resolution conversation. Debrief it afterward, focusing on what you were aware of in yourself, in the interaction, and in the other person. If there is an observer, ask what they were aware of during the discussion. You might want to break your self-awareness into components like, “what I was feeling,” “what I was thinking,” “what I was doing,” and refer back to the self-awareness wheel on the previous page.
The external phases of a collaborative approach provide a framework for engaging in a collaborative conflict resolution process with others. The framework is developmental and, even though conflict interaction is not linear, may be perceived as steps that build on one another.
There are four major external phases:
Opening is the act of one person approaching another for the purpose of beginning to resolve a conflict collaboratively. Opening is best accomplished by creating an environment that supports collaboration.
When you open a conflict conversation or respond to someone else’s initiative, be responsive to the other person’s reaction to your approach and to their readiness.
Setting a collaborative tone
Tone refers to the general feeling between you and the other person. Most conflict resolution efforts begin with tension, fears, and other challenging feelings. Establishing and maintaining a collaborative tone requires establishing rapport and reducing tension before delving into the substance of the conflict conversation. It is important to continue to monitor the tone throughout the conversation.
Maintaining a collaborative tone includes:
Purpose of the Opening Phase
The main purpose of this phase is to establish a feeling of mutual commitment to discussing and resolving a conflict together in the safest and most collaborative atmosphere possible.
Establishing a collaborative atmosphere involves attending to both physical and emotional environments. It involves how and when you begin the conversation, your tone of voice, your facial expression, and the physical setting you have chosen. The opening phase recognizes that the way in which the collaborative conversation begins can largely determine how it unfolds.
The identifying phase involves framing the aspects of the conflict for conversation. In this phase, both parties express how they think, feel, and perceive the various aspects of the conflict. Identifying conflict in defensive and judgemental ways can lead to an adversarial climate and destructive outcomes. Identifying aspects of the conflict in depersonalized, objective and neutral terms can lead to a more collaborative and inviting climate.
Purpose of the identifying phase
The identifying phase builds on the opening phase, and recognizes that what needs to be discussed may not be clear to one or both people in the conflict. This phase allows each person to establish the scope of the conversation by getting an overall sense of what needs to be resolved (the topics or subject areas requiring resolution).
This phase also presumes that ensuing conversation will make more sense and be more focused if the general scope of the problem is understood before it is explored. Regardless of who initiates the discussion, this phase ensures that both parties get an opportunity to say what it is they want to talk about and attempt to resolve.
During the exploring phase, each party learns what underlies the dispute and comes to understand the perspectives, needs, values, and beliefs of both the other person, and themselves.
This phase presumes that resolution can be reached more easily by achieving a truer and fuller understanding of one another, and working through differences and similarities without judgement and blame.
Purpose of the exploring phase
The exploring phase of the conversation involves delving into the aspects of the past conflict (as determined in the identifying phase) for meaning and importance to both sides. It allows each party to relay what is important to them about that aspect, and why it is important.
In collaborative conflict resolution, exploring the other person’s motivations and self-disclosing your motivations helps both parties understand the conflict more deeply.
Motivations include our goals, beliefs, and hopes, as well as our concerns and fears. This phase involves questioning, listening, and asserting. It’s important to maintain an attitude of curiosity rather than judgement as you try to understand the different points of view.
In this process of mutual discovery, areas of agreement begin to develop. You may find yourself thinking differently as a result of hearing what the other person says, and then being able to clear up assumptions and misunderstandings. Thoughts move toward ideas that help resolve the conflict in ways that lead to more mutual satisfaction.
The closing phase can achieve either an expression of resolution or establish a temporary end to the conversation without a resolution. When a satisfactory resolution has been reached, it often includes a change in feelings between the parties as well as a resolution of the issues in dispute. Closing of this type may include decision-making, apologizing, creating a plan, providing restitution, reconciling negative feelings and/or physical demonstrations of friendship like shaking hands or hugging.
When closing is either temporary or about ending discussion even though the conflict still exists, it may look and feel quite different from resolution. This type of closing may include taking time out to cool down, getting more information, living with the situation as it is, trying another method or style to resolve the conflict or deciding simply to go your separate ways.
True resolution occurs when both the heart and head have let go of the conflict. If the substance of the dispute is resolved (the head), but feelings between the parties are not reconciled (the heart), further discussion, the passage of time, or future positive interactions may be required before true resolution occurs.
The relationship aspect of closing may include:
The content aspect of closing may include:
Purpose of the closing phase
During this phase, both people generate possible mutually satisfying solutions to the conflict based on what is important to them. They then select the options that best satisfy their needs, both shared and distinct, as discovered in the exploring phase. The solutions that meet the most needs of both parties will be the best.
If a solution is still not apparent, try:
Goal: establish a feeling of mutual commitment to discussing and resolving a conflict together, in as comfortable an atmosphere as possible.
Goal: establish what needs to be resolved.
Goal: to give and receive information about what is important to each person, and why it is important.
Goal: find a mutually satisfying outcome.
The diagram above is a map to guide you through conflict, not a formula to follow.
Your inner work and the outer phases come together to support a collaborative style.
Each phase of the conflict resolution process needs to be approached in a collaborative way in order for the conflict to move in a collaborative direction.
Conflict and its resolution are part of an ongoing cycle. Closing is often not the end of a conflict interaction. Relationships and situations continue and change, conflict dynamics re-emerge, and the cycle continues.
The truth is that sometimes conflicts do not resolve. Possible reasons for why a conflict doesn’t resolve are varied and, for any given situation, those reasons might never be fully known to either or both parties.
We can only control half of any relationship. Sometimes, no matter what we say, no matter what we do, no matter how well-intended we are, we cannot and will not be able to “resolve” a conflict with someone else.
This is not a failure; it’s simply an opportunity to find a different way forward that does not involve the agreement of the other. Say to yourself, “I did my best, I lived up to my values, I invited collaborative engagement, and now I need to find another path.” It’s an invitation to yourself to find resolution within yourself.
Effective communication in collaborative conflict engagement involves attending to four components:
Ironically, when in conflict, we often focus on the substantive problems (content) to the detriment of process or relationship. This can create negative emotions regarding process and relationship that people will attach to content, regardless of their origin.
Achieving the balance between Content, Process, Relationship and Emotion, requires the following:
Management of self:
Communication skills:
Dealing with resistance and defensiveness:
The following questions and phrases exemplify the language style that promotes good process, respectful relationships and mutually beneficial agreements.
| What if we…? | What is important to you about…? |
| What’s your point of view on…? | Let’s look at how we both… |
| Correct me if I’m wrong… | How do you feel about…? |
| What was your intention…? | I’d like to focus on… |
| How would you…if I…? | My concern is… |
| Let me see if I understand you… | I’ll consider that and get back to you. |
| How acceptable would this be…? | What more can you tell me about…? |
| How fair does it seem (or make sense)…? | What thought have you given to…? |
| Let’s consider… | How would it work if…? |
| How do you see it? | My hope (intention / goal) is… |
| In your experience…? | What I value most is… |
Words and phrases to avoid (they signal argumentation)
Yes, but…
I understand how you feel, however…
I’m sorry you feel that way, nonetheless…
With all due respect…
And at the end of the day…
That’s all well and good but…
I completely disagree with you…
While it is difficult to avoid making assumptions, it is possible to be aware of assumptions and to learn how to clarify them so that they do not contribute to conflict. Checking perceptions and clarifying assumptions can:
The following diagram illustrates the formation of perceptions and assumptions:
We tend to assume that our private intentions are understood through our public actions. We also tend to assume that we know the private intentions of others through the effect of their public action on us. In other words, if person B experiences hurt as a result of person A’s action, B will tend to assume that A’s intention was to hurt. However, person A’s private intentions could have been quite different.
Without clarification, the effect provokes an action that has yet another effect, and the process spirals.
In order to clarify an assumption, private information needs to be made public. Clarifying assumptions involves communication skills such as empathic listening, open questions, ‘I’ language, and descriptive language.
You can clarify an assumption by:
An example: Checking out an assumption
Harriet laughs at a comment Bill makes in a staff meeting. Bill’s intentions are serious, although Harriet doesn’t know this. He is impacted by Harriet’s laughter by feeling humiliated. Based on this feeling, Bill assumes that Harriet thinks he is stupid. His resentment causes him to retaliate against Harriet by making cutting remarks at her expense. Harriet, not knowing why Bill is suddenly making cutting remarks, is offended, and thinks Bill is trying to discredit her. Harriet starts avoiding Bill, and so on.
A conflict has developed around this set of perceptions, assumptions, and reactions. Either person could clarify the assumptions at play in many ways, and resolve the growing conflict:
Think about an assumption you made in a conflict situation. Using the information on clarifying assumptions, describe the impact you think you had on the other person. How could you have dealt differently with the assumption(s) you were making?
In interpersonal conflict and most other types of conversations, the people involved are both listeners and speakers. If you become an excellent listener, but do not express your own views and feelings about a conflict, you may tend to accommodate and/or avoid the other person and the conflict. If you are an excellent speaker, but do not make an effort to listen to or understand the other person, you may be considered aggressive, competitive, and uncaring by the other person. The key is to blend both listening and speaking skills to build and maintain a collaborative tone.
In the Chinese belief of Yin and Yang, a balance is required in the communication of the two parties in conflict. This balance involves the self-expression of one’s perspective (assertion) with trying to understand the other person’s perspective (listening).
Conflict resolution uses communication that can be broken down into two distinct parts: the exchange of information and relationship building between the conflict partners. Both aspects of communication are essential in conflict situations.
This table shows various communication competencies with their purpose and examples. As you read through this chart, identify those that you believe you have in your toolbox, and those that need development.
If you prefer to work on a real-life situation rather than a scenario from the manual, think of a person, or type of person, with whom you are having difficulty establishing a relationship. This could also be a relationship that bothers or confuses you, or one in which you never seem to meet your objective. Think of what needs to be resolved.
Write down specific details about the person’s behaviour, attitude, non-verbal communication patterns, and the types of difficulty you are having.
You will simulate your situation with another person. Fellow students will observe your practice. Follow these steps:
You will get feedback from the observers and your coach on the strengths and the challenge areas that they observed during your simulation practice.
Use the following questions to assist you in preparing for a collaborative conflict conversation.
You and another manager, B, are working together on a complex project that requires weekly meetings with the department manager. On several occasions, you have made statements in these meetings that B disagrees with. You believe B’s comments imply that you are not fully on top of things. You are not sure why B is doing this but you want it to stop. You would never say anything to make B appear incompetent and you want the same professional respect. You approach B to talk about it.
You need to meet with your assistant, C, to address some problems that have been surfacing. C has been arriving 10-15 minutes late for work one or two days a week for several weeks. This does not present the image that is expected in the office. You value C’s usual level of efficiency and quality of work. You decide to talk with C about this.
Your job requires you to travel occasionally. In order to be reimbursed for expenses, you have to turn in an itemized expense sheet and receipts. There are policy guidelines for what is considered to be reimbursable. On your last trip, you bought dinner at the airport, since your flight left at 5 p.m., but you wouldn’t be returning home until after 7 p.m. The policy says that dinner cannot be claimed if your flight leaves before 6 p.m., but the accounts manager has been reasonable with these sorts of situations in the past. Now there is a new accounts manager who returns your form with a note saying, “Rejected: inappropriate expense.” You resent this kind of cold, formal response and think the rejection is quite heavy-handed.
You have confided a personal problem to a colleague with whom you have a friendship. You are a private person, and generally do not reveal personal things to many people. Recently, in a conversation with another colleague, you discovered that your friend told other people at the office this personal news about you, and you are very uncomfortable. You decide to approach your friend to talk about this.
Your department is undergoing severe cutbacks. You are trying to manage it the best you can, and have asked a few employees to join a committee to discuss layoffs and the best process for handling them. One employee dislikes you and has convinced the others that this committee is nothing more than a ‘feel good’ exercise, and now none of the others will join. You believe it is in their best interest to be a part of the decision making process on something that will affect them greatly. You decide to talk to the employee who got the others stirred up.
You need to talk to an employee, D, about personal style in dealing with clients. You have had several complaints that this employee speaks in a rude and abrupt manner to clients.
Many people in your office, including you, are grumbling about F’s management style. F gives little direction or support to the staff, and then wonders why people are confused and unmotivated. F has decided that a good way to improve things around the office is for everyone to take a workshop on time management. F wants your opinion on this idea.
Your manager, G, wants you to join a task force. The last time you joined one of these committees, you and others put in a lot of work and, in the end, G appeared to ignore your recommendations. G has said, once again, that the committee will play a major decision-making role. You decide to tell G that you don’t want to be on the task force.
You have just finished a project, the success of which was greatly due to your work and leadership. You recently heard that your project partner, H, is taking credit for its success. Many people are talking about the project, and some have told you what a fantastic job H did. You want to talk to H because you are getting angry about this.
You are at a meeting that was supposed to be a final review of a project that has been underway for some time. There have been tensions among people during the course of the project, but, for the most part, the team has struggled through it without really addressing these concerns. At the meeting, you notice that J is making comments that indirectly target you as a problem person on the team. You don’t say anything at the meeting, but decide to talk to J afterward.
Because of an argument several months ago, you and K have an icy but civil relationship. You are increasingly uncomfortable with this situation, since you have to work with K quite frequently and you want to talk with K to see if something can be worked out so your dealings with each other can be more cordial.
You share a small office with a co-worker. The co-worker’s level of orderliness is a problem for you and you are increasingly resenting the messiness, especially when clients come in to meet with you.
Your colleague, A, frequently complains about other staff members when you two are talking together. A attacks and gripes about people you work with, which you find upsetting, irritating, and unethical. Lately, you find you are putting distance between yourself and A to avoid your discomfort.
The office manager, M, feels it is essential that all employees use the same computer program. Employee, E, has expressed an unwillingness to change to the new program because he/she has spent years trying to learn the old program and is overwhelmed by the change.
You have been hired by Apex Inc. and have to share a small office with T, who has been with Apex for seven years. Neither of you like the situation, but there won’t be another free office for at least six months. After two months of sharing the office, your tolerance for T has been stretched to the limit. T tells jokes that you think are in poor taste, and talks loudly and often on the phone, making it hard for you to concentrate. T generally behaves as if you aren’t there. You finally decide to talk with T about these problems.
An employee you supervise tells clients inappropriate details about his personal life. You have to give the employee feedback about being too informal and personal with clients.
You want to speak to an employee about what you consider an inappropriate style in the workplace. The employee wears casual dress and a nose ring.
You sit on a board with S, who has just taken on the role of chair. You’ve worked with S on the board for the previous two years, and you two have often had very different opinions on issues. S has now chaired three board meetings, and you have noticed that S asks for your opinion in front of the other directors, but then follows up by implying that you are wrong. The tone is condescending, and you feel humiliated. S can be too defensive, and responded this way when you once gently tried to bring the issue up during a board meeting. You want to discuss this issue privately with S before it escalates further.
You want to talk about the use of your car with T, your teenager, who has just earned a driver’s license and expects to be able to borrow the car whenever you aren’t using it. You want to put some limits on the borrowing since you often need the car for things that come up suddenly, and you also are uncomfortable with the possibility of accidents.
You want to talk with your mother about her criticism of the way you are raising C, your child. You want C to feel loved unconditionally, and express any feelings to you. You do not want C to fear or blindly obey you. Your mother thinks C shouldn’t be allowed to talk back to you and thinks that C should be reprimanded for this and taught to respect elders. You don’t agree that C is disrespectful to you or that reprimanding the expression of feelings is right. You have indirectly suggested to your mother that the situation is under control, but she continues to criticize.
Your partner, S, takes you along on what is to be a combination business and pleasure trip. Once there, S continually sets up meetings with business associates, leaving you to fend for yourself. You were expecting to spend about half the time alone, but after four days of an eight-day trip, S has spent every day and evening doing business. S has invited you to come along to the dinner meetings, but after going to the first one, you felt like a fifth wheel. Now, on the eve of the fifth day, S announces that tomorrow he/she has an appointment in the morning and in the afternoon, and would like to invite a business associate to join the two of you for dinner. You would really like to spend the evening alone with S, and you resent what’s happening.
You approach a neighbour, N who plays the stereo loudly. N does this after returning from work at midnight, and often wakes you up. You have phoned on several occasions, and N has obligingly turned the stereo down. N has also, none too subtly, conveyed to you that he/she is becoming very impatient with your complaints.
Your brother, B, has been visiting. B leaves the bathroom a mess, and drops clothes and belongings all over the house. He hasn’t offered to cook or do the dishes once in the week and a half he’s been there. It’s driving you crazy because you’re working and don’t like coming home to the mess. You haven’t said anything because you two don’t always get along, and the visit is going well otherwise. B bought some food for the house, but that’s about it. He is staying another two weeks.
You moved into an apartment with J a month ago. J has lived in the apartment for three years and parks his beater car in the underground lot. You have a new sports car and have to park it on the street. The trees lining the street drip sap on your car, and the other night somebody scratched the door with a key. You and J share the cost of the apartment, which includes one underground spot. J has agreed to deduct $20 from your share of the rent, in consideration of the parking, but doesn’t think he/she should have to give up the spot. You don’t really care about the money, but you do care about the fact that it’s beginning to feel like a power struggle around whose apartment it is.
Every time you talk to Z, your partner, about problems with your job, you get advice on how you ‘should’ be handling it. This advice includes comments about how you aren’t handling it the right way. You feel criticized and lectured to, instead of supported. You want to talk to Z about this.
You’re planning a holiday with E. As the plans are being finalized, you realize that E doesn’t seem enthusiastic. You’re wondering if E really wants to go. Tickets have to be purchased soon, and you decide to talk with E about it.
Your 15-year-old, A, wants to quit karate lessons because they are no longer fun and the instructor is criticizing a lot. You have noticed that A tends to quit a lot of things once they become challenging, and you are worried about this character trait. You think A should stick it out, and have said so. A is rebelling against you for ‘forcing’ him/her to keep going to the lessons, and believes he/she should be able to make the decision.
Your stepfather, P, has hired you for the summer to work on the family farm. You are 22, and P has lived with you since you were 13. You have never been especially close to P, but appreciate getting the work since you are trying to earn money for school. After a month of working, you received a partial payment, but the cheque wasn’t signed. When you asked P about this, he said it would be signed when you turned in your hours. You didn’t know you were supposed to be keeping a record of hours, but P now claims that he asked for a record of hours when he hired you. You recall the discussion being about wages. It seems to you that the hours should be quite easy to estimate, since P has seen you working and knows how many hours you put in. But P says you have to learn to take responsibility, and in a ‘real’ job, you wouldn’t get paid unless you kept records of your hours. You asked your Mom to help, but she said it was between you and P.
Your partner, F, has an ex. F and the ex have a friendship that you are uncomfortable about. F occasionally has lunch with him or her, they call each other on the phone from time to time, and F has invited the ex to parties and other social events at your house. You don’t particularly dislike the ex, but are always uncomfortable having him or her around. You thought F would stop inviting the ex when you were married. F and the ex are always reminiscing about things and people that you don’t know, and sometimes the ex acts as if he/she knows more about F than you do. You want to talk to F about this.
Adversarial
An approach to resolving conflict that tends to highlight differences and ignore or downplay commonalties. Adversarial approaches to conflict support climates of competition, hostility, increased tension and seek personal gain or advantage for one person.
Assertiveness
To speak directly about one’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences in ways that honour the other person’s point of view and feelings.
Collaboration
A conflict style from the cooperative approach, that seeks to resolve both surface disputes and underlying conflicts while improving relationships and building on commonalities. Outcomes meet the needs of both parties to the greatest possible degree.
Cooperative approach
Approaches to resolving conflict aimed at reducing tension, strengthening relationships, accepting differences, and seeking acceptable outcomes.
Conflict (interpersonal)
An expression of a struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive or are experiencing incompatible goals, scarce resources or rewards, interference from another person in meeting goals, or different processes or routes to a goal.
Conflict resolution
The phase of conflict represented by a lessening of tension and a perception of equilibrium between people, or the act of attempting to reach such a state.
Constructive conflict
A perception of conflict where the outcome is perceived as better than the situation. Following constructive conflict, parties are satisfied and feel they have gained as a result of resolving the conflict.
Context
The setting or ‘bigger picture’ within which a conflict occurs. This includes the systems, cultures, and climates that influence the nature, process, and structure of the conflict.
Destructive conflict
A conflict process and outcome that damages relationships and seeks to satisfy the interests of one person at the expense of others. Destructive conflict results in an overall sense of loss and ill will between parties.
Empathy
This includes responding to another with the goal of understanding their experience. A specific communication competency that acknowledges understanding of both the emotion and the meaning contained in a speaker’s message.
Framing or identifying
Framing is how one conceptualizes or expresses the perception of a situation or experience. Framing includes the thoughts, feelings, and actions associated with that perception.
Interests
Various concerns, goals, hopes, and fears an individual holds. The collection of interests related to the specific conflict, the relationship or the process in which disputants are involved.
Issues
The identified topics that the parties in conflict recognize as being important to them and must address to reach resolution.
Needs
Abraham Maslow, in his hierarchy of needs, theorized that human beings are driven by a common set of needs, starting with the most basic needs of air, food, rest and shelter and progressing through safety, security, trust, belonging, being loved and accepted, recognition, and reaching potential. Using this theory can help us to understand others and ourselves in conflict and to connect overt behaviours to underlying needs.
Position
A solution introduced by a person that benefits that person but does not take the other person’s interests, values, and needs into consideration.
Opening: Set a collaborative tone
Identifying: Frame the topics for resolution
Exploring
Closure
Booth, N. (1997). Strategies for fast-changing times: The art of using change to your advantage. Rocklin, CA: Prima Publishing
Bryson, K. (2010). Don’t be nice, be real: Balancing passion for self with compassion for others. Santa Rosa, CA: Elite Books.
Cloke, K. (2001). Mediating dangerously: The frontiers of conflict resolution. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Cloke, K. (2006). The crossroads of conflict: A journey into the heart of dispute resolution. Calgary, AB: Janis Publications.
Cloke, K., & Goldsmith, J. (2000). Resolving conflict at work: A complete guide for everyone on the job. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Coloroso, B. (2002). The bully, the bullied, and the not-so-innocent bystander (3rd ed.). Toronto, ON: HarperCollins.
Deutsch, M. (1973). The resolution of conflict: Constructive and destructive processes. New Haven: Yale University Press.
Folger, J.P., Poole, M.S., & Stutman, R.K. (2005). Working through conflict: Strategies for relationships, groups and organizations (5thed.). New York: Pearson Education Inc.
Harper, G. (2004). The joy of conflict resolution. Gabriola Island, BC: New Society Publishers.
Isenhart, M. W., & Spangle, M. (2000). Collaborative approaches to resolving conflict. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
LeBaron, M. (2002). Bridging troubled waters: Conflict resolution from the heart. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
LeBaron, M. (2003). Bridging cultural conflicts: A new approach for a changing world. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Mayer, B. (2000). The dynamics of conflict resolution: Practitioner’s guide. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Mayer, B. (2015). The conflict paradox: Seven dilemmas at the core of disputes. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
McLaren, K. (2010). The language of emotion: What your feelings are trying to tell you. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
McLaren, K. (2013). The art of empathy: A complete guide to life’s most essential skill. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
Miller, S., Wackman , D., Nunnally, E ., & Faline, C. (1982). Straight talk: A new way to get closer to others by saying what you really mean. New York: Signet Press.
Moore, C. (2003). The mediation process: Practical strategies for resolving conflict (3rd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Perlow, L. A. (2003). When you say yes but mean no: How silencing conflict wrecks relationships and companies—and what you can do about it. New York, NY: Crown Business.
Scott, G. (2007). Disagreements, disputes and all-out war: 3 simple steps for dealing with any kind of conflict. New York, NY: Amacon Publishing.
Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (1999). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. New York, NY: Viking.
Taberner, K., & Taberner Siggins, K. (2015). The power of curiosity: How to have real conversations that create collaboration, innovation and understanding. New York, NY: Morgan James.
Ury, W. (1991). Getting past no. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
Ury, W. (2000). The third side: Why we fight and how we can stop. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
Ury, W. (2002). Must we fight? From the battlefield to the schoolyard, a new perspective on violent conflict and its prevention. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Ury, W. (2015). Getting to yes with yourself and other worthy opponents. New York, NY: Harper Collins.
Weeks, D. (1994). The eight essential steps to conflict resolution: Preserving relationships at work, at home and in the community. New York, NY: J.P. Tarcher-Perigee.
A complete bibliography on conflict resolution texts, DVDs and journals is available from the Justice Institute of British Columbia’s library.
Visit the library online at: http://www.jibc.ca/library/.